- Crystal H.
No Longer Bound: How to Get Over Your Ex
So, it’s no secret that breaking up can be one of the toughest and roughest experiences one may have to deal with in a lifetime. Some break ups are easier than others, but most of the time they end ugly. Not to mention they leave you stuck trying to get over them. Unfortunately, there’s no quick remedy for the sting left behind from a bad break up. The best cure is honestly found in time. It takes time to heal and to regain trust again. We all are human so don’t feel like you are the only one in the world going through what you are going through. There are millions of men and women on this planet that are suffering from a breakup just like you. It is possible to unbind yourself from your ex it just takes faith, commitment, self-control, and confidence. It also takes a choice. So what’s your choice? Do you want to stay bound or are you ready to unbind yourself from your ex?
So, why do break ups hurt so bad in the first place? This may sound like a dumb question, but there’s reason behind me asking this. If you know why you are hurting then I believe it’s much easier to solve the problem. If there’s water on the floor that dripped there from a leaky roof, but all you do is mop it up then guess what, the same problem will still continue to exist. It’s not until you realize that the water on the floor came from the crack in your roof, that the problem can actually be solved. Getting over your ex is not about pacifying your emotions or about sweeping them under the rug, but it’s about DEALING with your feelings at the source, head on!
So once again, why do break ups hurt so bad? They hurt so bad because you gave one of the most precious parts of yourself to someone, your heart. Lord forbid you gave up the goods before marriage, then I know you are truly hurting. That’s why you should wait to have sex until you are married. When you give something valuable to an unworthy person it will leave you feeling robbed and taken advantage of. You may also feel regretful or blame yourself. If your partner was disingenuous then your break up will hurt because you feel manipulated or swindled. If your partner starting changing and left you abruptly for no reason you will feel abandoned and blindsided. Very rarely do you have a break up that leaves you feeling happy and refreshed. Even if you had to break up with them because you knew they were not good for you, there will still be feelings of loneliness and times where you miss them.
Breakups are also difficult when you believe there’s no one else out there for you. Being in denial will most certainly keep you bound. I understand they might have been your first love or the only person you ever trusted or the first one that ever gave you a chance. I understand that you may have spent years together and went through some tough times together. Nothing can erase the precious time you spent with that person, and I’m sure nothing is more disappointing than seeing that come to an end. If you’ve given the relationship multiple chances and you still find yourself in grief, unhappiness, and loneliness then it might be time to move forward with the expectation that it can and will be better with someone else. God intends for your relationship to flourish and it should be an example to others. Don’t sell yourself short, it will get better. Don’t stay in denial. There’s someone out there for you. Denial only denies you of what’s rightfully yours, and that is a healthy, God filled, loving relationship. Don’t block your blessings honey.
The good news in all of this is that all of these feelings you have are normal and it’s how you should feel right after a break up. The problem only comes in when you can’t, won’t, and don’t let it go or move on. You get stuck and become bound to your ex and they aren’t even with you anymore. This is where self-control and faith step in. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. In order to help you along your journey to a happy heart again I’ve listed a 11 tips to guide you back to an unbroken, unbound heart.
1) Remember to cast your cares on Jesus, for He cares for you
You can’t do this by yourself. Your friends and family members will definitely be a good help to you, but the ultimate help you will need to get through this will come from the Lord. He will give you a peace that surpasses your understanding if you cling to him during this time. Don’t cling to your friends, family, or another guy or girl. Cling to Jesus! Apply the blood to your situation and watch Him fix it for you.
2) Realize you are not super human
allow yourself some time to recover. Your heart just went through a major upset. This is not the time to look down on yourself or beat yourself up. Quit reciting in your head what you could have, would have, and should have done. Whatever took place God knew it long before you did. So, if that’s true then He also knows where He is taking you, that’s if you believe he has a purpose and a divine destination for you. Breakups are not that bad when you know who holds your future. Look at it as a learning experience. I learned so much in my previous relationships and all of those experiences and upsets prepared me for the marriage I’m in today. There is no doubt about that.
3) Be your own cheerleader
when you feel broken and depressed you need some encouragement and motivation to lift your spirit. Sometimes you will have to get that from those around you, but you should be getting most of that from yourself. Some say you’re crazy if you talk to yourself, but I believe you have to hear yourself say positive words to yourself. In my personal experience I had to have pep talks with myself to keep myself going. I had to hear myself say “I will be ok and I am a precious jewel.” Speak what you want to see. Cheer yourself on. Pat yourself on the back. We often times will down talk ourselves and see all the negative sides to a situation rather than uplift ourselves and see how far we’ve actually come. It’s time that you cheer up.
4) This is not the time to find a rebound
Another word for rebound is rebind. Don’t re-bind yourself so soon. Naturally our instinct is to bounce to another person to help us get over our hurt feelings, but it’s best to give yourself enough time to heal so you can make good decisions moving forward. I can’t give you a specific time frame on how long it should take before moving on. Only you will know the answer to that. It could be weeks or it could be months. One way to see where your heart is is to ask yourself, “If I were dating someone right now and my ex called me today and said I want to make things work, what would I want to do?” If you would want to quit dating who you are with and make things work with your ex then you’re not ready to move on. If you decide to continue dating the new person out of spite to make your ex jealous then you’re still not ready to move on. If you honestly know in your heart that your ex is not the person for you and you sincerely want to be happy with someone else longterm then you are probably ready to move on.
5) Don’t look for comfort by self-medicating
Life is real and so are the situations we face, so guess what you need to face them. Drinking your misery away or taking a drug to make you forget them is unhealthy and the emotions you are feeling won’t go away this way. You can’t always take the easy way out. At some point you will face these issues so make that day today. Don’t put it off. Indulging in food also falls into the self-medicating category. This behavior will surely catch up with you just like any other. It’s not healthy. Find other ways to release your pain like working out, writing, mentoring etc. Make some goals and work hard to achieve them.
6) No need to retaliate
This is a very vulnerable time for you. After a breakup emotions run high and it’s easy to make impulse decisions in an attempt to ease your pain, but you won’t be able to erase what you’ve done once you do it. Give it to God because vengeance is His. Remember you casted your cares and worries at the feet of Jesus. We are not going to go back to the Father and say “Excuse me, but I need to pick up those cares and worries I gave you last week. I’m mad and I want to handle this my way.” Please don’t act outside of the will of God. Leave your problems at His feet, because that’s where they belong.
7) Don’t fool yourself, they will still cross your mind from time to time
You won’t be able to forget someone who has had such a huge impact on your life so quickly, whether good or bad. Over time the memories will fade into the background and won’t be so menacing, but right now they will cross your mind. So, don’t base your level of success for getting over them on your ability to no longer think about them. If you do this you will always fail and your confidence won’t be very high either. Instead, base your level of success on your ability to not respond to the thoughts that are going through your mind. If you pick up the phone to text them or call them every time you have a moment then you lack self-control. However, if they cross your mind and you have the ability to demonstrate self-control and stick to what you know is best for you then good for you! That’s what I call strength. So, remember they will cross your mind every now and then, and that’s not a problem unless you are dwelling on them and causing yourself to go insane at the very thought of them.
8) If you are not in a relationship then they don’t get relationship privileges
Nothing makes a break up harder than still playing the role and being strung along in the process hoping something will change. If you know in your heart they are not for you and you deserve better, then it’s time to move on completely. Hanging on to them will only keep your heart emotionally bound to them. This is another reason why taking time to yourself is so important. If you are unsure if this person is the one for you and you slip up and go back to them then you won’t be hurting another person in the process. Or maybe you broke up for the wrong reason and the two of you can still work things out. By giving yourself a healing period alone allows you to sort these kinds of issues out without involving another person. You will also be able to free yourself from your ex if you really act like friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend after you break up. Sometimes you even have to discontinue communication. Acting like you’re still in a relationship opens you up to being hurt again. Also, don’t let a slip up lead to a fall. You have to know the difference in a one time slip up and learning from it and moving on compared to repeating a habitual process that always produces the same result. This is called foolishness. You can’t self-medicate with people, your ex, and expect to be healed from your pain.
9) I hope you are not sitting around and waiting
For some reason many of us are in denial after a break up. We think the other person will realize they made a mistake and take us back. In some cases, that does happen, but not often. If you are not moving on because you are hoping they will return then you are wasting precious time. You are not something that can be put back on the shelf when no longer needed and then taken off when they realize they need you again. You aren’t second best to anyone when it comes to love. If they have moved on then so do you. Even if you are to blame for them leaving. I say let them move on, and if it’s meant to be then your paths will surely cross again. Just don’t put your life on hold.
10) Be ready to pass the test
Trust me you will be tested or tempted at some point after your break up. Your ability to pass the test will be based on your level of faith, commitment, self-control, and confidence. You should be praying for these four things daily.
11) Forgiveness has to take place
If your choices/actions were the cause for the break up, meaning you did something wrong whether intentional or not, then you need to seek forgiveness from them, from God, and yourself. Regret is a strong emotion that may not ever leave you, and it can leave you depressed, but forgiveness can soothe those feelings of regret. So, seek forgiveness and then move on. If you’re ex did you wrong and left you hurt and has not said they are sorry or shown any remorse for their actions, then it’s still your part to forgive them. It won’t be easy moving on without thinking about what you really want to say to them to express how hurt and upset you are, but you have to keep living as a dignified person. If you hold unforgiveness in your heart then you will be pressing the pause button on yourself and you will remain bound by your unforgiveness. Forgiveness breaks chains and it will literally set you free.
I prays these tips will open your hearts and allow you all to live a healthy life that’s unbound and ready to receive all that God has in store for you.
If He did it for me, He will do it for you