- Crystal H.
My Silent Obsession: All I think About is Getting Married
How often do you spend time thinking about your singleness? Is it on a weekly or daily basis? Do you spend a considerable amount of time worrying about when your husband will arrive or if he will ever arrive? If you answered yes to these questions then this article was written just for you. It’s no secret that millions of single men and women anxiously await the day to say “I Do”. However, there is a secret that has been dealt with quietly amongst our single friends and associates. It might come to your surprise that many of us had or has a silent obsession and silently dwell over the arrival of our husband or wife. This silent obsession can result in a multitude of emotions with frustration being at the top of the list. For those who have been single for a long period of time frustration, no doubt, has become a part of your everyday living. The frustration you feel can stem from the idea of not knowing when it’s going to happen, with whom it’s going to happen with, and how it’s going to happen. Not having a clear cut answer to these questions only seems to make matters worse. Not having answers is hard enough, but to include people who play games, lead you on, and let you down into the equation can make your frustration and situation an overwhelming experience.
So where does all this built up frustration, anxiety, and impatience derive from? I think part of the issue comes from our natural desire to be with someone and not to be alone. Even the bible states clearly that God saw that it was not good for man to be alone so he created a woman, a suitable helper, for Adam. Since we are beings who are naturally inclined to be in relationship with others we naturally desire to seek the most ultimate relationship, which is marriage. Although these desires are natural, like anything you get too much of, these desires can become a problem when they turn into an obsession.
Besides natural desire, I also believe frustration during singleness arises from the inability to control the situation. Everyday we live out our lives by making plans and creating dreams for our future. One of the most beautiful things about making life plans and goals for our future is that we have the ability to make decisions concerning which path we want to take and how we want to achieve the goals we have made. In life, most of us have at least 4 to 5 major life goals which include: graduating from college, starting a successful career, buying a home and buying a car, getting married and starting a family. As a teenager I remember contemplating my future. I knew what I wanted to do as far as a career goes, I knew which college I wanted to go to, and I knew how long it was going to take me to graduate. If I wanted to buy a home I could do that after earning a decent income and if I wanted to buy a nice car I could make plans to do so. I had almost every goal on my list under control. Not only that, but I had the ability to make choices and decisions that had a direct and visible impact on my progress in achieving what I as trying to do. However, there was one thing on my list that was extremely important to me, but unlike the other goals, I did not have much control on it’s progress. No matter how much I planned around it nothing seemed to speed up the process or define how the process would work. I had no clue who my husband was, where he was, when he was coming, and how we were going to come together. No matter how hard I tried to figure out how to make this life goal happen, NOTHING seemed to have a direct visible effect on my progress.
How many of you have also found yourself in this same frustrating place? You are successful, educated, and seem to have it all put together and the only thing missing in your life is your husband or your wife? I can’t tell you how many times I went to God concerning this void in my life. I asked God repeatedly to fill this void by sending my husband. Later I realized I should have been asking God to fill the void with himself rather than send someone to fill it for me. My husband wasn’t going to fill that empty place in my heart only God could. So, please understand this. You need to let God fill the void in your heart and once that happens He will make room for your husband to enter into your life. The beautiful revelation I had once I let God fill my heart, was that I was finally able to silence the obsession and surrender to Gods lead and not depend on my own carnal tactics. When I surrendered He was able to lead me right to my husband, but this was not possible until I finally let go of my will and surrendered to Gods will.
So, what are a few steps you can take to silence the obsession you have concerning your future husband. Remember an obsession is any dominating reoccurring thought and obsessing over your future husband is not healthy for your mind or your spirit.
Step 1: Open your heart and let God in
I’ve already explained how this works in the previous paragraph, but I wanted to make it plain to you. Giving your heart to God is the only way to be successfully found by your husband. The God we serve wants all of you and He is not going to allow a man to come into your life and take away His place in your heart. God wants you to get your priorities in order. If you are spending more time seeking your husband than you are seeking your God then there’s a problem. God needs you to allow Him to come into your heart so he can rearrange some things and prepare you for what He has for you. What we want for ourselves may not be what God has for us; therefore, He has work to do within us to get our hearts pliable enough to be worked on and molded into what He will have us to be. So, allow God to make your rigid heart flexible again that way you can receive your husband for who he is even if he arrives in a different package than you expected.
Think on this for a moment. When it comes to physical characteristics, which characteristics do you imagine and hope that your husband has? For example, you like tall guys because you’re tall so you pray your husband is tall or let’s say you are very attracted to men who are athletes so you pray your husband has the physique of an athlete. Now, that your mind is focused on what you really desire I want you to ask yourself, “If a guy/girl approaches me today and he/she is less than what I’ve imagined him/her to physically be I will I still give him a fair chance?” If you are more likely to dismiss someone because they don’t line up to the husband/wife you have hoped and dreamed for in your mind then there’s definitely some work to do on you. I do believe God will bless you with someone you are attracted to, but he/she may not be exactly as you imagine. However, the attraction will be there and it will be true if you let God do the picking. God ultimately knows what’s best for you and you will be attracted to the mate he has designed for you.
Step 2: Train your brain and keep it occupied
Many of you have heard the saying an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Our mind is a very powerful thing and it is a tool the devil will often use against us especially if we aren’t putting it to good use. The devil is a deceiver and was able to deceive Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden by making her question what God had ordered her and Adam to do. The devil wants to deceive your mind and he wants you to occupy your thinking with things that are not of God. He will allow the troubles you are facing to distract you from Gods faithfulness, his power, and grace. God does not want you to dwell on the arrival of your husband, there are greater things to think upon. He wants you to fix your mind on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable… (Philippians 4:8). You will be kept in perfect peace when you keep your mind kept on Him because you trust Him (Isaiah 26:3). Our minds were not intended to dwell on what we do not have, but to focus on who can provide all the things we need. “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you,” (Matthew 6: 33). When we seek God and his righteousness that’s when things begin to happen.
Matthew 6: 19-21 talks about where we should store our treasures. Your treasures are things of value to you, things you are devoted to, and things you adore. Your treasures may or may not be objects, but one thing we do know based off verse 21 is that wherever your treasure is your heart will be also. We are supposed to store up treasures in heaven for ourselves and not store up treasures here on earth. In other words, we should be working towards storing up valuable things in God and His kingdom rather than spending our time storing up things we value on this earth. The time we have on earth is borrowed time. We don’t have time to waste. We must use every moment wisely and allow ourselves to build up heavenly treasures and not be consumed or obsessed over a husband or a wife. I know you have a strong urge and desire to be loved and yes, it is a natural desire for you, but you have to practice self control in every area of your life and stay busy focusing on things that will build you up. Some have made marriage or a husband their treasure and have devoted all their time into seeking it. So, where is your heart? Are you spending your time storing up treasures in heaven or are you occupying your time obsessing over how to store treasures on earth, which include your husband. Just remember, where your treasure is your heart will be also and your heart should be devoted to seeking the kingdom of God and his righteousness.
To help occupy your time and your mind while you are waiting, join a singles ministry at your church or a book club. Get active in a ministry at your church and volunteer in your community. Attend conferences and seminars for singles, find some hobbies you enjoy, and hang out with friends who are in a similar situation as you. Focus on your career or go back to school if that’s your desire. There are so many things you can do while you wait. Use this time wisely to prepare yourself for what God has for you and keep your mind stayed on Him.
Step 3. Don’t allow your desperation to deter you from your preparation
When your desire to be married becomes your hearts primary focus it is so incredibly easy to allow your desire to become an obsession which then evolves into desperation. A lot of people are in denial when it comes to being desperate. Some people may display their desperation at a higher degree than others, but the bottom line is desperation is desperation. When you become desperate to find love you will often times allow yourself to do things you usually wouldn’t do in order to get the results you need. Desperation can be a dangerous thing because you become emotionally driven and can loose your ability to think rationally. Dwelling over something constantly can produce a desperate mindset within you and before you know it you will be going on dates with people you know aren’t any good for you or you may involve yourself in things you shouldn’t do in order to please others. Desperation causes single men and women to lower their standards and accept what the world has to offer them. Please ladies and gentlemen, don’t allow yourselves to become desperate. When you are single you have to learn to control your thoughts and desires and focus on the positive side of being single. When your mind becomes consumed in Jesus your mind will be at peace and the silent war within you will begin to quiet down. You will also be able to focus your attention on how to prepare yourself for your future husband. Preparation is necessary for any great accomplishment you are trying to achieve in life. In order to do well in college, we have to prepare ourselves for class and our assignments. If we want a good job, we have to prepare ourselves for the job interview. The same goes for a successful marriage. You have to prepare yourself to be the ideal wife if you wish to have a successful marriage and becoming the ideal wife doesn’t come over night. It takes time and preparation.
While you are single you should be intentional about becoming a better you. You should be focusing on how God can build you up in the process and stay encouraged along the way. Instead of using all your energy to obsess over where your husband is and how to attract him, you should be using that same energy to prepare yourself to be the wife your husband will need you to be. Even though it may hurt to be single and you’re tired of waiting, you still have to be a woman with composure. Your future depends on it. You don’t want to meet your husband broken, lonely, and desperate. Let God work on you while you are single so you can recognize your husband and your husband can recognize you! Your husband just might need a strong woman who can build him up and be the rib he needs in order to fulfill his God given purpose. If you’re lost in obsession and desperation how can you be the wife your husband needs you to be?
Now is the time to take control of your mind and ask God to renew your mind and your thinking. Ask God to forgive you for dwelling and obsessing over your future husband more than you dwell on thoughts of Him. Don’t allow a man to become your idol. Keep God in your heart and your mind. When you do this peace will be yours. Joy will be yours! When these things take place you will be well on your way to walking into the very thing that God has prepared for you. I know this because it happened to me. So, the obsession ends here!
If He did it for me, He will do it for you