No matter how many dates I went on and no matter how many guys I met there was always one question I never knew the answer to in my dating life, and that was “how do I know if he is the one?” I’m not joking, when I say I asked myself this question over and over again. Every time I met someone I was really interested in that was the first thought that made its way into my mind. I wanted to know if he was my husband, and I relentlessly tried to find the answer to this question. I talked to God on numerous occasions about this question. I would pray to God asking Him to show me if John Doe was the one. I would ask God to give me a sign and to make it plain so there were no questions as to whether or not the guy I was dating at the time was my husband. Here’s the interesting part, on more than one occasion I truly “thought” the guy I was crushing on was the one. I genuinely felt strongly about how I felt at that time and everything seemed to add up perfectly in my eyes, but see that’s the thing I need to point out. Everything lined up in my view and often times it lined up because I was trying to piece the puzzle together in a manner that benefited me. I was my own conflict of interest. I was too emotionally involved to see clearly and I even ignored the obvious because I was on a mission. I wanted a husband and needed to find a match. For this reason, I was more inclined to find reasons he was my husband rather than reasons he was not.
Initially, the excitement of meeting a new guy would keep me very optimistic and hopeful for the best possible outcome. However, it didn’t take long for my high hopes and expectations to come crashing down and reality would snatch me back to life. The observations I made about the guy I was dating were responsible for bringing my head out of the clouds. I would begin to notice that the guy I was so totally into wasn’t reciprocating the same emotions and actions towards me. That’s when I began to question the entire relationship or courtship. I was at a crossroad. This chain of events ultimately led me to the big question we all know all too well… Is this my husband? I’m sure the scenario I just recounted sounds familiar to you too. How many times have you gotten excited about a new potential guy, only to be let down because they didn’t show you or prove to you they felt the same way too. Some call it a woman’s intuition or a gut feeling that tells us when a man is just not that into us, I call it the voice of the Holy Spirit. It’s that still calm voice on the inside that doesn’t demand its own way, rather it quietly warns us and allows us to make the call. Often times it was the Holy Spirit that would alert me to let me know the guy I was dating was not my husband. Although, I seemed to always know the answer to the big question, I still doubted the truth. I needed more proof because what I physically saw and had puffed up in my mind about the guy I was dating looked legit. So how do you know if what you are experiencing is legit or a fake? One thing to remember on your journey is that the battle you are facing is not a carnal one. The adversary knows our weaknesses and his #1 tactic to keep you bound is to attack your mind and thoughts. He will twist the truth and make a fake look like your future. Don’t be fooled. The best way to determine if the guy you are dating is the one is to have a spirit of discernment. Please pray for a discerning spirit and keep reading to discover how God showed me my husband was the one through discernment.
There was one thing that set my husband apart from every single guy I dated and that was his heart for God. Yes, I dated guys before that had wonderful relationships with the Lord, but the desire my husband had to genuinely do the will of God was like no other. His passion was to serve the Lord and that was not only evident is his talk, but in his walk. The bible says “Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire; therefore, by their fruits you will know them.” (Matthew 7: 17-20). I was able to see the good fruit my husband produced. I could sense it and see that it was good pure fruit and my spirit discerned that very soon. I had come across enough bad fruit trees to know what a good tree looked like. That’s the hidden beauty behind our miserable dating experiences. Sometimes we need negative experiences to teach us what’s best for us, and to show us what we really need in life. Our moments of weakness are opportunities for us to call on God for help. Through our bad experiences God gives us wisdom and we learn how to discern. In fact, my negative experiences showed me why I should give my husband a chance. I was able to compare the inner peace I had with him to the inner turmoil I had with the others, this comparison gave me enough reason to give him a serious chance. With him there was no stress, literally. We didn’t argue and when I talked with him our conversations were like a breath of fresh air. I felt safe with him. I didn’t have to keep my guard up or try to be two steps ahead of him to make sure he never had the upper hand over me. His words were always respectful and he never talked about things I was not comfortable talking about. He was just a plane ol’ nice guy. That’s the best way I can put it.
Now, there’s always two sides to a story and I wish I could say the road I took to determine my husband was the one for me ended at he’s a nice guy worth giving a shot, but that’s not the case. Although, my husband was a genuinely nice guy, and this was very evident, I still questioned if I was into him in a more than friend kind of way. My mind automatically wanted to put him in the category with the guys who were too nice and too sweet. So once again I was at the crossroad. Like the other guys I encountered, I had the same exact question about my husband… is this one the one? What set my big question apart with my husband, although it was the same exact question, was where the question derived from this time. In the past I asked God was “He the one?” because in my eyes I could see him as the one. The guy was my type and they had multiple things on my checklist that I was attracted to, but for some reason things weren’t falling into place the way I expected them to. Either the guy was not showing interest back, or he didn’t want to commit to a relationship. The list goes on as to why the guys I wanted as a husband weren’t lining up to my expectations. So, when it came to my true husband, unlike the guys in the past, I didn’t see all the superficial attractive elements that allowed me to identify my potential mates in the past as being “my type” or as my possible husband. This time around I saw all the spiritual, mental, and emotional qualities I had been praying for, but the top physical qualities I was use to wanting in a man I didn’t see so much. Don’t get me wrong though, there was attraction there, but he wasn’t my, quote on quote, “type”. That’s why it is so crucial for you all to understand that the type of person that you are instantly attracted to with your eye may not always be the best thing for you. We have to remember that God does not look at things the same way we do. He is not saying I’m going to pick this husband for you because he looks like the perfect guy for you. No way, instead God is selecting husbands and wives for us based off non physical factors that will allow us to marry and be in a position that brings honor and glory to God’s name. Not glory to your name because the guy you are marrying looks so good on your arm. It’s time we start looking at this thing a little deeper. Your husband may not look like the husband you have pictured in your head. I know mine didn’t, but guess what? He was still perfect for me.
So, going back to why things were different when I asked God if my now husband was my husband compared to the times I asked in the past. Like I mentioned earlier this time around I didn’t see all the physical traits of “the one” at first, but I saw all the non physical qualities which are the more important factors. In my mind, I was unsure this time if he was my husband because the physical attraction wasn’t all there. I didn’t have romantic feelings initially. This was all backwards to me. I was use to going forward with a strong physical attraction being established first, but this time I couldn’t “see it”. The physical attraction in the past seemed to outweigh the other qualities that are obviously more important. So, I asked God was “He the one for me?” because he had all the things I had been waiting and praying for, and I needed guidance since a total physical attraction had not been fully established.
Do you see the big difference now? I asked in the past was “he the one”, based off what I could physically see, and this time I was asking based off what I could not physically see. And folks, this is what became a game changer for me. I had to walk by faith and not by sight in this situation. I could sense in my heart my husband was rare and right for me, but I couldn’t see it so I needed God to confirm what I felt in my spirit, and He did just that. He didn’t start the revealing process though until I got on my knees in honest prayer. I cried to the Lord out of frustration and disgust for my superficial way of thinking. I asked God to change my heart, and to make His will my heart’s desire! I didn’t want to let a good man go because of a preset mindset that I couldn’t shake, which was if he is a nice guy he is a friend or not as attractive as the not so clean cut guys. I wanted to finally be attracted to a person for all the right reasons. After that prayer everything changed. I finally started to see why he was my husband!
First, I stated earlier I felt it in my spirit that he was set apart from all the other guys and that is a true statement. He was different, he was honest, he was trustworthy. I didn’t fear him cheating on me or breaking my heart. His sincerity was so visible I could almost touch it. Second, I knew he was my husband because I had peace in my spirit about him. When I say I had a peace that surpassed all my understanding, I am telling the truth. After I prayed to God to make His will my heart’s desire, all the questions and doubts I had in the first month of getting to know him ceased. I surrendered my heart and mind to God and allowed God to show me with a clean fresh pair of eyes whether this new guy in my life was my husband or not. I quit trying to figure it out on my own using my own understanding. Proverbs 3: 5-6 states the following, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” This scripture clearly tells us what to do and what not to do when it comes to our understanding. So, ask yourself whose understanding are you leaning toward? Yours or the Lords?
Next, I knew my husband was the real deal because of the signs the Lord began to show me. The signs he showed me I didn’t question. That’s how I knew they were true signs from God. In the past I would ask God for a sign concerning the guy I was getting to know, but I never got a true sign confirming he was the one. So, what usually happened, since I was so amped up on finding a sign, was I would begin to make meaning out of every little thing and made signs out of anything. What made it so bad was the signs I believed I was getting I never had peace about. I was always uncertain about them. I would get what I "believed" to be a sign, but still couldn’t determine if it was really a sign or not, and here’s why. The signs that supposedly said “yes, he is the one for me" didn’t match the guys actions towards me. If he was my husband, why wouldn’t he call me back. If he was my husband, why didn’t he want to know more about me. If he was my husband, why didn't he want me to meet his family. If he is the one, why won’t he wait until marriage to have sex with me. The list goes on. Let me say this, God is not the author of confusion. Let me repeat God is not the author of confusion but of peace… (I Corinthians 14:33). When God gives you a sign there’s no wondering or second guessing it. The signs God will give you will be definite and clear. The signs I got about my true husband gave me peace. The signs would ease my mind and I didn’t return to the circle of questions I once had in my mind before I got the sign. The signs shut me up. The opposing voices in my head were completely silenced by Gods peace. That’s how I knew the signs were real. God would even give me signs when I wasn’t looking for them or asking for them. God gave me reasons to believe without any doubt that He was the orchestrator behind our union and he made things work out so spectacularly that there was no question that there was no one, but God that could have pulled this all together!
If you read our love story on my website, you already know that my husband and I met on Match.com. For most of us, including myself, online dating had a risk attached to it. You never truly know who you are talking to or if they are who they say they are when you date online. I had the same thoughts going through my mind when I first met my husband. After our first conversation all I knew was his first name. I didn’t have a clue what his last name was. A part of me needed to know more about the guy I met before moving forward. I was apprehensive and wanted to make sure he was legitimate person. My mind immediately began to think of ways I could use other sources to help prove he was a real person. That’s when I thought of Facebook. Everybody and their momma was on Facebook so I decided to try my luck there. The very next day after we met I went on Facebook and attempted to find the guy I just met who didn’t even have a last name. His name was Derek. What a common name. For those of you who use Facebook you already know that searching for a person by their first name only is like looking for a needle in a 20ft tall hay stack. Not only was I lacking his last name, but we lived in different cities about two hours apart, so even if I typed his first name into the search engine it was going to pull up guys with his name in my area first. Although, the odds were totally stacked against me I decided to try anyway. What the heck, I thought. I typed in his first name and then I went on to type in the city he lived in. At least that would narrow my search down to a needle in a 10ft tall hay stack instead of 20ft. What I didn’t realize was that the city Derek lived in had his last name in it. When I typed in his first name and the first part of his city his profile popped up instantly at the top of the list! I recognized his profile picture as the same picture he used on his Match profile. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I had actually found him.
I know this may seem semi Facebook stalkerish, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to make sure you’re safe. This was the very first sign from God that showed me that I was ok to move forward in getting to know the stranger I met online. With God the impossible is possible. It was nothing to God that I actually typed my husband’s full name into the search engine unknowingly. However, for me it was a moment that revealed to me that God was in the plan. Needless to say, after I searched his profile I found nothing to suggest he was not who he said he was. He seemed like a really laid back guy. The language he used was clean and most importantly I could tell he was a man of God. Things were flowing in my favor.
Things started to truly work in my favor after I prayed to God to make His will my heart’s desire. Almost immediately after that prayer questions I had about the guy I was dating started to be answered. Traits that I really found attractive in a man I started to notice in Derek. I always wanted to marry a man who worked well with his hands and knew how to fix things. When my husband told me he had installed ceiling fans in his home and on his back porch, by himself I was blown away. I never dated a guy who knew how to do things like that. Another ah ha moment I had that showed me Derek was set apart from many others was he agreed that sex should not take place before marriage. We both strongly believed we should wait for marriage to have sex and that is exactly what we did. I found this quality extremely attractive! I never met a guy who was willing to wait with me. When he told me this I knew he was the one and there was no way I was going to let a good man with A+ credit, a great job, education, loves the lord, has no kids, and is not crazy get away from me. I had some great friends and family members who also coached me to this point in my determination of him being the one. Like I said in the beginning I was unsure, but I stuck around because I saw his heart and I had good people in my corner who knew what a good man looked like even when I couldn’t see it all myself. I thank God for them!
While I was single I use to ask married women how they knew their husband was the one. I wanted to hear from someone who was where I wanted to be. Their response was often one I didn’t understand and honestly I got tired of hearing it because I heard it so many times and that response was “You just know when you know”. Although, there are many elements that go into play to help us know when the guy we meet is the one, there’s some truth to the statement “You just know when you know.” I can agree and say I knew when I knew. It was a sure confident feeling deep in my spirit and heart that never wavered and I never doubted it. When I got my answer the answer never changed. Even if he did something annoying or whatever the case may be, I never saw myself with anyone else, and I didn’t have a desire to meet anyone else. I never had such a sure feeling before and that is how I knew Derek was my husband. Three to Four months after meeting him I had my answer. It took a few months for everything to line up. It didn’t happen overnight. My attraction began to grow more and more over time after I got to know him and once the true attraction came in everything else followed.
I stand here today as a testimony that God will bless you with the very best if you wait and faint not. They that wait on the Lord shall not faint. God promised to keep us strong if we wait on Him. All you need to do is stay faithful and continue on your journey with an open heart. Surrender to Gods will for your life. Things may not always be the way you expect them to be. I know I didn’t expect to meet my husband the way I did, when I did. I had some questions in the beginning, and you will too, but what sets your husband apart from all the others will be the peace you have concerning him. All the questions and doubt that constantly nag away at your peace will be silenced. You will see the good fruit he produces, and the signs God shows you will bring peace and not confusion. My last golden nugget is this, always remember my dear friends that he who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). I believe this wholeheartedly, which means when a guy identifies you as his wife he will make sure you know that his intent to be with you is serious. He will let you know he wants to be with you longterm. My husband knew I was his wife before I did, so his actions (his fruit) matched with his pursuit. When you have a guy that chases you because he knows you are his wife, your effort to discover whether he is the one or not will be so much easier than with a guy who has no intent to be with you seriously. So, don’t waste your time playing the guessing game with someone who isn’t worthy of your time. If he’s not putting forth the effort to genuinely and obviously seek you as his wife then why genuinely and intentionally seek to find out if he is your husband.
Stay encouraged! Your hubby is out there!
If He did it for me, He will do it for you